Today’s film introduces our third category
There are ugly witches and there are sexy witches. Today’s film is full of the latter and it’s the obvious selling point to the film. Prepare yourself for lots of skin, a shower scene and eye candy as far as the eye can see.
Hunky prep school man-witches.
Today is October 4th
Today’s film is 2006’s The Covenant
What would happen if happen if an Ambercromie ad were turned into a movie? I guess you could make it a horror film, something about witches and powers stuff. It wouldn’t really need to make sense as long as you give those privileged, pouting Hunky Potters plenty of screen time. It would also help if you found plenty of reasons for them to be shirtless. Maybe they’re all on the swim team? That way they can rock some tiny trunks.
Not enough material to add enough depth to the entire group? Not a problem, we’ll just focus on Caleb (right). I just watched this movie for the millionth time tonight and I don’t even remember the name of the three other witches – that’s how important they are to the um… plot? Left to right let’s just call the other three Sexy Malfoy, short witch and long hair witch.
But don’t worry about characters and plot – there’s a redeeming shower/locker scene.
As a gay man I can really appreciate a film that turns the horror staple of exploiting female nudity upside-down but it probably isn’t gay enough to warrant the #ScaredButNotStraight category despite featuring a brief male-male kiss.
Maybe this is all too harsh, I really do enjoy and recommend The Covenant. In addition to eye candy it’s fun and got plenty of scary spider moments, an exciting climatic battle and high enough production values that it looks and feels like an endless cologne and luxury car commercial. You’ll just have to ignore a plot that barely even tries to make sense. For example, in the first few minutes of the movie Caleb lectures his friends about not using their gift – it’s highly addictive and ‘using’ will destroy your body. Caleb and the rest then go on to ‘use’ non-stop for the rest of the film. Sure, they could walk over to the book case and grab the book but why not risk addiction and death by levitating it over? Still, no objection – the effects are half the fun of the film and I suppose it would be really boring to sit thru and hour and a half of witches not using magic.
Have I set your expectations low enough? (no really, set your expectations low… like 4% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes low) Good – pop some popcorn and enjoy the guilty pleasure of The Covenant!